Mary Musings: 24 inch Challenge From H-E-Double Hockey Sticks

For today's challenge I decided to pay a visit to the foil of abstinence, gluttony. In honor of my Australian friend, Paige's last night in the Estados Unidos, we went to Provo's famous hole in the wall, "Sensuous Sandwich," to attempt their ultimate challenge. Their challenge to any brave soul who is willing to pay for the opportunity, is to eat 24" of sandwich in 30 minutes or less. What is more American than eating way more than is healthy for you? I think the record was set by a crazy man who abolished his sandwich in one minute, 45 seconds. Insane. I have two friends who tried the challenge a few weeks ago, who finished their subs in 8 minutes each. Again, insane. I have no idea what gave us the idea that we could accomplish this mountainous task.

Roommate Hannah, Paige, and I were the only ones who tried today. Some other friends came for moral support/ to watch us torture ourselves. I ordered a turkey and ham sandwich with Monterey Jack cheese, tomatoes, lettuce, banana peppers, mustard and mayo- and I ordered the sandwich hot. (even typing this now makes me want to hurl a little bit.) The nice girls working tonight set a timer for us as soon as we were situated, and we began the binge. The first 6 inches were a breeze. They tasted good too. The next 6 inches were alright, but the flavor started getting old. The next six inches were nearly impossible. My stomach got really full, and the flavor of the sandwich became more repulsive with each bite. I was VERY uncomfortable, yet I pushed through to the end. Paige was incredible, and by the time I finished inch 18 she had finished the entire sub. She just kept saying, "I want to have the real American experience! I want to be American!" (It is sad that eating way too much is considered the American experience.)

Anyways, while on the home stretch of the last 6 inches, I nearly died. I tried with all my mental and physical strength to finish- I got to the point where I was trying every trick I've seen on Man vs. Food, or the hot dog eating contests I've seen on T.V. I stopped chewing, and washed the big bites down with water. Then I tried adding more mustard, and taking all the lettuce off to change the flavor, but to no avail. No matter what I tried, and no matter how much my peers encouraged me, there is no way I could take another bite. I forfeited with 4 inches and 4 minutes left- a disparaging defeat. Paige got her picture on a wall, and a 3X tee-shirt as proof of her victory. I got a really bad stomach ache that lasted all night, and a whole lot of regret. Lesson learned: Don't ever do eating a lot challenges no matter what is at stake. A tee-shirt isn't worth a night of extreme bloating and discomfort. Moderation in all things really is the best way to live life.