New Diet

I've lost ten pounds in the past semester. My mom says that my thighs don't touch anymore. She didn't think this was possible for someone in my gene pool. I'm not sure if I believe her. Well, I thought I would try to sell my new diet and make millions of dollars. For those interested, here is a sneak peek.

1. First thing you need to do, stop exercising. It may be good to have a gym membership, but stop going to the gym. If this is hard for you, you can get away with going once a month.
2. Meals for the first month should be as follows: breakfast- two pieces of toast with peanut butter and a banana (or yogurt, you choose). Lunch: turkey sandwich (make sure to use the cheap lunch meat that doesn't really look like meat) with only mustard to relish, pretzels, carrot sticks, string cheese. Dinner: Lynn Wilson bean and cheese burrito with pace salsa on top. No snacks.
3. For the second month, it is important to become more lazy. For breakfast, cut out the yogurt. You can keep the banana. Lunch: you can add in PB&J rather than the turkey. Alternate to add spice to your lunch hour. Also, rice cakes or granola bars can be added. You probably should run out of string cheese by now. Dinner: Keep eating those burritos! Or, eat fast food. Mmm. Subway foot longs were a personal favorite.
4. For the third month, breakfast should be reduced to toast only. Lunch changed to the burrito, or Lean Pockets. Mmmmm. Don't believe the things you hear. They really are delicious. The other option is to have the favorite turkey sandwich, cheezeits, and a granola bar. You'll be tired of pretzels by now. Dinner, anything you can find. Cereal, noodles, fast food, quesedilla.

I promise that if you follow this four step program, you'll have results.

*results may include side effects that may or may not be desirable including inability to donate blood.