Shoulds

Warning: This is kind of an emo post. Read at your own discretion. 

Today turned out to be an unanticipated meld-down-day. School was fine, I had some students who kind of pushed me to the edge of my calm, but that happens often enough. I came home from work, watched some Sister Sister, read some articles etc., at nachos, and anticipated Andrew coming home from work. We had our usual post-work debriefing, did some laundry, and then out of the blue the meltdown hit, as did many tears and some realizations.

I realized that there is a slight possibility that I am too hard on myself. I have a list of things that I "should" be doing, and am constantly failing to check each thing off the list, and constantly beating myself up for my lack of success. Here is a peek at what my list looks like:

• I should study the scriptures in depth every day.
• I should maintain a healthy diet. 
• I should exercise at least 3 times a week. 
• I should read books in my free time.
• I should spend less time with technology.
• I should serve others more.
• I should plan better/more in advance for my lessons.
• I should know each of my students and have a good relationship with them.
• I should grade more/catch up/more in-depth.
• I should be more friendly to people I don't know. 
• I should talk to my friends and family more.
• I should do the dishes.

My mom likes to affectionately refer to this list as the "Mary Rule Book." They are rules that I made up and that I only hold myself to. Some of them relate to gospel principles and commandments, but probably not to the extent that I expect myself to attain. I guess I have a major perfectionist complex. This certainly isn't news...I just have rude awakenings every once in a while to remind me that I am not really happy when I expect perfection of myself. I know that I am not alone--this seems to be a complex that a lot of people have, but it is hard to give up. 

So, it would appear I need to make some changes. My life has become compartmentalized into three categories: work, more work, netflix, Andrew, and a little bit of church stuff. I have forgotten what I am capable of, what I love to do, and what I actually want to do. The thought of signing up for some art classes is what actually set the tears off. There is a huge part of who I am that I have been neglecting. I am beginning to see that there is no way that I can succeed in any area of life if I am not feeding my soul a little bit. Now I begin on a quest to add into my life some semblance of balance. I am going do some research into possibilities and set aside some funding for a soul-feeding ambition. 

The good news is that I know I am not alone. I have a great support system (God, Jesus, Andrew, Mom, family, teacher friends, etc.) I also take heart in Uchdorf's talk about the human need to create. I have probably posted it on my blog a few times already, but it helps every time.